Don’t Quit

Never quit because someone asks why
Your weird and wonderful hobby
Dancing in the rain
Singing it loud
Hugging a tree
Talk to strange cats
Smell a flower
Buy more fabric
Buy more paint
Even if you don’t know the dress or quilt yet
Even if you cannot yet see the painting

Don’t let others’ ‘Why?’
Stop your joy*





*(Well obviously as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Just in case you are looking for an excuse here.)

Forgiveness is not my job

Forgive her, him, them
What for?
Healing?
Pish!
Closure?
Posh!
Peace of mind?
Ha!

Let go
Let go of all that is not yours to carry
Shame, hate, pain, anger, violence
Send it back
Send it back

Return to sender
What's mine is mine
What's yours is yours

Don't fret
Ponder
Rumage
Let go
Set yourself free

But forgiveness?
Forgive yourself always!
Forgive them, him, her?
Not your job.
None of your business!
That his, her, their soul work to undertake

None of your business

Set yourself free
By claiming you
Your youness
Your power
Your light
Your strength
Your happiness

Unburden yourself
From carrying the weight of the perpetrator
It's not yours to carry
It's not your path to walk
They wanted you to
To join them in darkness
To join them in pain
To join them in shame
To follow their insanity
Just
Do
Not
Walk this path

Choose
Choose freedom
Choose your own path
And let go
You are not obliged to forgive
Send this back to
Them, her, him

Exhaustion

I am just going to sleep it off
Even my exhaustion is exhausted
Too many things piled up at ones
After sleep
I am going to put my hands in soil
And usher growth
Out of depleted suburb dirt
I nap in the midday sun
Heat setting my face alight
The half open bedroom window turned pedestal
As a starling loudly announces
That he proudly destroyed the airvent cover
And oh what a wonderful nest he has built
In the roofbeams of our insulated attick
I can hear them move in
Little feet trampling like a heard of rhinos overhead
Nothing to be done now
I am not one to destroy a hopeful nest
I open my eyes
Time to stop napping
For now

Man from Another Time

Panting he stood on the platform
Red tongue nervously flicking over bloody burst lips
Gulping for air, for water, for life
His train gone
Taillights blinking out
Like his vanishing star

Things changed too much
People lost caring
Caring about borders, about othering
About rules
Chaos everywhere
He couldn’t cope
Hate burnt his heart, his soul
Muddled his mind
And now
Now his train left and he is stuck
In the land of plenty
With

No.
Way.
Out.

Roots

A digital collage made with vintage papers overlaid with vintage flower drawings. The tones are all yellow and earthy. Writing says: we are woven into stories, stories are woven into us. Which story are you going to chose?

As I said we are all woven into stories
Stories are woven around us
—through us
We are made of stories
GAGATATACATATGGCTAGCAAAGGAGAAGAAC…
It’s easier to say: ‘Once upon a time.’
Than read out loud encoded double helix stories
Of who we are and where we came from
A roadmap to the past

To the ones who brought pain
Your are of my blood
I am of your blood
I carry your story
But I live my own
I am not responsible for your decisions
I am responsible for mine
I won’t carry your guilt, shame and anger
I carry my own light

To the ones who loved unconditionally
Your blood sings in my veins
I stand in your strength
Your light amplifies mine
I carry your compassion
Your magic is my wonder
I feel your love still
Your joy carries me through rough seas
Even though I never knew you
You are part of me
I am part of you

Historic Trauma


Dissociative fog
A distorted lense of the past
Violence not understood
‘It’s just what it is, isn’t it?’

Life
The times
Society
Nothing to do but move

Move forward, onward, wayward, upward, downward

Stalwart

Run, crawl, walk, limp, hike, roll
keep moving

She watches me
Hidden eyes from underneath a blanket

‘I rather not.Move, I mean.’

We all stay save differently.

‘I just watch you move.’

I know she will move.
Eventually.
Trust the process.
Everything has its time.
You can’t heal on schedule.

Don’t listen, never listen:

To the musts, the shoulds, the ought tos

No. No you never can ‘just’
Do.

While you move, freeze, fight
Don’t hurt anyone else
This is not your job

Mind you.
Hurting yourself isn’t a good plan either.

So move, freeze, pick a fight
A good fight
Listen to me now, just for once:
Fight for something
Not against

That’s it the main lesson.
It’s about directing the energy
Destruction or Creation?



A Bad ADHD Day

I hickle-dee-pickled my way through the day
Bumping my toes exclaiming: ‘Au weh!’
Loosing my coffee somewhere in the house
Making a new one to douse my fresh blouse
I rush to a meeting on–Zoom have you guessed?
Before I continue my lost coffee quest
I remember a deadline and curse beep beep bip
Before hyperfocus has me in its very tight grip
After hours in a high productivity zone
My stomach develops a life on her own
And shouts very loudly: ‘You’ve forgotten to eat.’
And drags the rest of my body up on her feet
On my new quest for munchies to stop hunger’s stitch
Guess what? I found my coffee cup on top of the fridge
My phone alarm shouts at me out of the blue
What did I set this for? I haven’t a clue!
Nothing to be done to remember that now
A lunchtime walk will make things better I vow
Just my luck today seems a bit bad
I now look like a duly drowned rat
I sit in my next meeting hair still dripping
The conversations are also less than ripping
That could have been an email
I silently wail
Which I would forget to answer without much fail
At least working from home makes a lot of things better
I don’t have to pretend that noises don’t matter
The office clocks ticking, pens clicking
In general all the people’s noise emitting
An email pings, my emotions cow
‘Oh no, what have I done wrong now?’
Or forgotten, lost, broken, maybe misplaced
Oh check this out! Someone is sending me praise!
I cry for a little
Yes, I can be that brittle
Taking a sip from the cup I hold
Yerch that coffee is now really cold

2021: Good Bye

Quietly, clandestinely Year tiptoed to its end
It’s trying to sneak out after all the bad reviews
It really tried hard, the best it could
If it were honest it knew it wasn’t it’s fault
The cards were stacked against it and all that
It wished people would be a bit more understanding
It’s not as if it could control what they do
But hey it gets blamed anyway
And Hogmanay: seriously just a kick in the backside after all of this
At least it can grab a glass of champagne on the way out the door
It’s not looking forward to join the annals
At least it won’t stand out too much with 2020 next to it
It looks over its shoulder
Nobody notices it sneaking out early
What’s a couple of days anyway?
Hangers on
Everyone has insisted on closure already
Silently Year closes the door
The annals can wait a little

Our Street

It’s Christmas time the lights do shine
On houses in our street
I am bundled up in search for rhyme
Because street, fleet, sheet, or sleat

As I walk along to Christmas song
In German song is Lied
I wonder about the people
Who live along our streets

The old man in his red car
Who really needs more luck
And drives around the corners
As if he is in a truck

The people with a pack of dogs
Who always look so happy
The dogs are very tiny though
And luckily not yappy

Street, feet, eat, heat, sleet
The latter pelts my face
architecture on repeat
This street is an odd little place

What about the mathematician?
Deteriorating my rhymes condition!
Who calculates our lights’ algorithm
Impossible they are an anachronism

My rhymes begin to fall apart
Although I am not yet loosing heart
I tuck my scarf tight round my face
And keep exploring our little place
My steps begin to crunch on snow
But only if I walk just like so

There is the curious neighbour
Who makes the curtains twitch
And the really mean crusader
Who makes my witch’s thumb itch

There are a lot of little monsters
Once a year to be seen
But only if we respond
To knocks on Halloween

There is my garden hobby friend
Who lives around the corner
And gave me a pretty chilli plant
Which has a place of honour

The old man with the same name
Gives the most beautiful Christmas cards
I love to look at on my way hame
They are light, blessings, and heart

I’am running out of rhyme now
If not out of street
Have a very merry Christmas
And do leastwise one good deed

Santa and the Troll

I am stomping through snow
Shouting ‘Ho Ho Ho Ho’
While in my thick mittens
I hold two fluff kittens

Where they came from? Don’t know!
Appeared like will-o’-the-wisps in the snow.
I think they are fae cat or wild cat or something entirely else,
But they are cuddly fluff kittens and my heart simply melts.
And they look at me eyes big, mischievous and scared;
So I am taking them home crackling fire in hearth.
Then I warm up some milk and dip in some bread;
And after, I tug them all cosy in bed.

Before the sun-up I hear a loud crack,
And some rumble, and tumble and maybe a smack.
And I jump out of bed worried sick for the kittens.
They were so small they fit both in my mittens.
Suddenly, though I hear a loud roar,
And a smash and a bang and a rattling door.

I rush out to see what is happening now.
Two humongous fluff kittens make an intruder cow.
My nerves are not sure what is taking more toll,
The humongous fluff kittens or the intruder troll!
Oh my jolly good golly what am I to do?
I don’t have a phone to call and ask you.

So, I do what I do when I am well scared.
I shout out loud to make sure I am heard.

“Ho Ho Ho Ho who was a bad troll
And broke my door making this huge hole?”
The kittens where hissing and fitting with wrath,
Almost as if I would have them take a big bath.

The troll was embarrassed and sillily coy.
He said he didn’t mean to destroy;
Just knock at the door and politely ask
For some hot water for his thermos flask.

But the kittens where hissing and growing in scale.
They did not believe the clumsy troll tale.
I am still scared of the troll and their size is appealing;
Even, if by now, they’re about to hit my ceiling.
‘Thou shall not lie!’ one of the kittens scorned.
‘I have seen you approach being fully armed.’

‘Ach this club’, the troll says his helmet askew.
‘It’s just my work tool, it’s what trolls do.
I live down the road under the bridge,
And if someone wants to cross I jump out of the ditch,
And holler: who goes and thou shall not cross
Or in the icy cold water I’ll toss!’

‘So you live off, of scaring poor folk on the bridge?’
‘But come to our home for water? That’s rich!’
The other fluff kitten was not well impressed,
Still suspecting the troll had planned a mean theft.

‘What am I to do?’ the troll pleads his woes.
‘This is really just how the troll story goes.
And the ditch is ice cold; the water freezing indeed.
I had hoped a nice tea would provide me some heat.’

‘Ho Ho Ho Ho’ I interrupt still very scared.
But also heating water on the warm cosy hearth.
‘Let’s all take a breath or two or three
And have a talk and some nice hot chamomile tea.’

My fluff cuddly kittens are not yet consoled,
But they shrink a bit down; their sizes controlled.
The troll takes off helmet and leaves club at the wall,
And sits at the table all grubby and tall.

The fluff cuddly kittens are eying him up:
‘You really ought to change how you do earn your grub.’
They chide him again and just for good measure.
Trying to ramp up what is called the peer pressure.

The troll hangs his head salty tears begin rolling.
‘What am I to do? All I know is do trolling!’

‘Hm.’ Kitten one says drumming her nails.
‘Uh hum.’ Kitten two says twitching his tails.

Yes he has two tails I had failed to notice.
Yesterday night I had other things for focus.
‘So what are you good with?’ I try to ask kindly.

‘Shouting, and clubbing.’ The troll says resignedly.
And with a big sigh more tears begin rolling.
‘I am so so so tiredly tired of trolling.’

‘Shouting could be a good thing.’ one kitten ventures
‘The king always needs heralds for his adventures!’
Kitten two interjects full of excitement
‘You could walk ahead shouting: hear hear the king and his compagnment!’

‘I love the sound of adventure!’ the troll sounds optimistic.
‘But you need to learn not to be meanly simplistic.’
‘I am no simpleton.’ the troll says upset.
‘It’s just, you know, the only story I have in my head!’

‘So we will help you to learn many more tales;
Of happiness, luck, sadness and fails.’
I interject quickly and fairly loud
the kitten induced troll chewing out.

Fluff cuddly kitten one hisses proudly,
And fluff cuddly kitten two joins her loudly.
Then they look at each other very deep in the eye,
And turn to the troll nodding saying: ‘All right.’
‘We are cathsidh the fae kitten kind
And stories are plenty on our mind!
We will teach you kindness and pride;
Even how to be kind to your own grubby grub hide.’

Then they turn to me looking somewhat abash.
‘We are sorry Santa, we should have asked.’
‘May we stay with you in your warm cosy abode?
And help you teach this silly dear oaf?’
‘Ho Ho Ho Ho’ I laugh in my beard
‘That’s a fun story, going to be heard.’

Picture Book Version Below

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