Taiko drum vibrations
With increasing urgency
Can you feel it?


Is in the air
On the cusp off
The brink


Readiness might be lacking




Dense premonition
Like moisture laden air
My body hums
It’s coming

A death in the family

The background is dark colours, and a person trying to track through what looks like another dimension. The poem on the image is in text below.
Darkness within 
Sick mind
Suffering soul
Caring for things that don't matter
While breaking the ones that do
You have been lost for so long
Your self righteousness has become your guiding light
Trapped in delusions and unspoken woes
My grief won't save you

True Colours

Broke. Heart in black in front of a red background. White words line the crack: delusion, true colours, hate, greed, resentment, broken values

We had a family bereavement and one member completely lost the plot. Apparently they harboured resentments for 46 years never spoke about it, never officially addressed it and now that all is done and dusted they start creating massive drama. I am not surprised to be honest but disappointed in them. Just trying to process various losses and grief as usual through creative outlets.

Hold your loved ones close. Family doesn’t need to be genetic. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Talk about what matters.

6 Feet Under (don’t read if squirmish)

You are in a hole
6 feet under
I image a worm crawling through your eye socket
It’s all a bit Tim Burton in my head right now
Ashes to ashes my arse
Buffet for the creepy crawlies
More like it
Nurture nature
Fair enough
But you weren’t supposed to
That’s no age to just drop dead
Not as in drop dead gorgeous
No just dead
You were supposed to live forever
Because ending isn’t anything
I can grasp yet
It makes a hollow sound
The end
I walk under water
All is muted
I expect you to just come walking out of the barn
Or drive down the dirt path
It’s just stopped
Your life
But you echo everywhere
The space is still holding you
It hasn’t realised you are gone yet either
It’s not just me
Disembodied steps each night
In mum’s bedroom
Always the same time
I feel you sit on my bed
There is movement
I heard the steps
But you can’t
Can you?
Be there
I cry until there is nothing left
Tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth
Can’t breathe through my nose
I scream into my pillow
I don’t know where to put
All that pain
The confusion
The anger
So I want to stop too
Just stop
How dare world go on without you
Don’t they know
That it can’t
I can’t
Keep going on being
Holding the weight of the black hole
That was ripped onto my chest
That night
That night when I was away
And laid crying awake
Not knowing why
Until early morning
Mum showed up
To take me back home
I sit in the back of the car
Not even get to shotgun
There’s a dude there
Your colleague
Mum couldn’t drive alone
I was too far away
She in shock
It makes a hollow sound
The end of childhood

The Inner Child

40 going on 13
Channel the teen
Wolf within
Anger untamed
I know better
You ain’t shit
I don’t do fake
Shove it up
Girly girls fake laughs
You’re chaff
Find your spine
Don’t use mine
I don’t eat dirt
Just can’t be arsed
Suddenly nice
After seeing mum’s car
Fuck off
You never noticed my scars
Anger writhes
Angry snake
Pale cliché
Yet it works
Me-being hurts
Just being hurts
And school’s full of turds

When we work with the inner child I don’t think we we work with the teenage self. It’s usually too edgy. What does your inner teen sound like?

Nothing Left After Death

Are you 60 or 16
Starting an argument
Over a ducking piggy-bank
A piggy-bank!
Looks like a cow.
The piggy bank I mean …

Spiteful biatch
You are so rich
And yet so poor
You won’t know anymore

What’s hit you
In a dark room
All on your own
Only ghosts for company

Your bank statement heavy
In your lap
Empty your soul
Loneliness eating you up

It was a trap
Thinking you could make up
For emptyness within
With owning things

Ain’t working like that girl
The wooden chair
Pulls a run
Hard and cold
The darkness holds

Ain’t working like that girl
Empty house
Nothing vibrates
Life hides from hates

Ain’t working like that girl
What’s worth what?
What has value?

Ain’t working like that girl
Worth is in a life
That touches others
Value is what you create
Not what things hold

What we learned from being scammed

We need a new fence, it has finally succumbed to the Scottish winter storms. So money saved up. Time to find a fence building company.

Enter interference from dyslexia and ADHD and OH contacted the wrong guy, not the one with the five star reviews, address and phone number on the profile, but one with a similar company name. First contacts were good. Polite, fast to respond all good. So OH didn’t pick up on it.

Asks for money for material, no unusual for small local businesses, there is a lot of fence, hence a lot of material, hence a lot of money, and small businesses cannot always lay out that kind of money. Promise was made to show up on a Monday.

After money was send OH realised it was the wrong guy and had a funny feeling. Monday came round and the excuses started:

  • car broken
    • This next to funeral is his favourite excuse
  • Tuesday and eventually Wednesday came and no material. Chris Martin, Hamilton, Scotland (also goes by Martin Chris, Tam Anderson, The Fence Guy, Fence Man, CM Fencing) seems to be a professional fraudster and con-artist. After the broken car came the:
  • family emergency
  • family funeral
    • according to the countless times he used this excuse he must have
      • a: had a massive family and
      • b: they are now all dead
  • mental health issues
    • are not an excuse–ever! They can be an explanation but that’s not what he is doing, he uses various issues he may or may not have (I am honestly not buying it, I believe he is a sociopath, after spending time reading his public Facebook posts)
    • Also he does not give a dime about anyone else’s mental health and the devastation he is causing
  • drug addiction
    • he keeps forgetting which one he is allegedly addicted to, according to various people we spoke to: It’s all of them.
    • again, it’s not the excuse he thinks it is
    • if (and that is a big “IF”) this is true I do hope he gets the help he needs
    • effectively he has yet to demonstrate actual remorse: not the grandstanding in public hoping he gets a lesser sentence stuff
  • he threatened one of the victims we spoke to that his uncle who works in the police station in Hamilton would become involved because he didn’t like their attitude (we have the screenshot of this conversation)
    • They were ‘really cheeky’ and wanted their money back
    • And that threat alone is criminal!
  • he kept sending taunting text messages to another victim, we have been told basically going: hahaha I got your money
    • so much for regrets, and being sorry
    • and another tick in my: I believe he is a sociopath box
  • he called my OH stupid for having fallen for his con
    • again no empathy, no understanding of impact of his actions or wrong doing: sociopath?
  • OH has gone public and dozens of people have come forward
    • since then Chris Martin (Hamilton, Scotland) has run scared and randomly started putting envelops with cash through people’s letter boxes
  • mind you we have to assume that the money he gives to some of his victims is money he conned off someone else
    • after all he got over £3000 from OH only a week ago
    • Where is all that money gone?
  • he also becomes extremely aggressive if you do not play along to his “woe is me I am so poor and have mental health” stick
    • at which point he starts calling you names, threatens you, or makes fun of you
  • he films himself putting cash into envelops which he is putting in people’s letter boxes! 🤦‍♀️ (I kid you not, we have the evidence!)

Anyway, here is the problem with the “sending random cash to some of the victims” act (and by no means all of them!). I am translating this into a metaphor since Chris Martin (Hamilton, Scotland) still entirely lacks the understanding that
a: he has done something wrong and
b: how much damage, not just financially he has caused.

So here is the metaphor:
Imagine a random guy intentionally breaks someone’s leg. Then when the victim complaints, random guy goes and knocks over someone who is wearing a leg cast, stealing the cast. Proceeds to take a part (not even all of it) of the leg cast and sticks it onto the broken leg. But that’s not all! No he is filming himself sticking the bit of leg cast onto the leg he intentionally broke and then expects everyone to “aw” and coo and say what a good boy he is.

That’s basically his mindset. Absofuckinglutely no comprehension whatsoever of what he has done, no guilt, no remorse. Nada!

Oh yes of course when he thinks he is in trouble he will do the “woe is me act” and if you still say you want your money back he then gets aggressive and says: I don’t know what you want from me I apologised. (He literally has said that to OH.)

So here is the learning.

  • If you have an attention or reading comprehension issue. Ask someone to double check your sources for you! Before you book a company.
    • Mind you considering how many wrong orders I place (ADHD Hooray!) probably do this for most significant purchases.
  • If a company only has a Facebook page: no address, no phone number, no customer ratings: Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.
    • These are basically the new post-box scams.
  • If a small business cannot afford to pay for material. Ask them to provide you a quote for material they need, and offer a list of potential suppliers. Then buy the material yourself.
    • Do not trust a single supplier source because they could be working together.
    • And if then the company turns out to be a scam and no show you at least already have the material and not lost out. (That was our mistake. Too busy to take care of this.)

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